Change

Well Change has been hard, but little by little we do this no matter how unnatural it may feel, we do it. Living without baby V is so hard sometimes especially when there are others having tiny little baby boys, that bothers me, it should be mine. I want my baby and I want him remember and I fear that he will be. I was so touched the other day when finally someone wasn't too scared to ask what was the baby's middle name and where he was burried. That made me feel so good. People do remember, if only they'd remember to say it.

Thinking of you....again

I am thinking so much of my baby this week more than the usual. The harder I try to make a new normal for myself such as work and other activities the more I feel the sadness and reality hitting me in spare moments during the dare and sometime not even spare moments they just hit and hit hard. Then I get almost obsessive and can't STOP thinking about Vincenzo, my little tiny guy who I wish was here so badly. He should be just a few weeks old right now and I should be taking care of him and instead I am trying to take care of myself which is almost harder than what I had planned on doing with my life. I want a baby so badly and yet I want HIM back and healthy! I'm angry that I don't get to have my baby here and healthy while so many others just plug right along and pop out kids and some people who can't even take care of the kids or don't want them. I wanted him soooooooo badly and feel as though some days I am dying inside more and more.

My due date was supposed to be March 17, 2009

I had been dreading this date for a few months and as it got closer the edgier and angrier I got over it. Thinking of what should have been, how I should have been feeling, how big I should have been, etc. I finally decided that I was going to make a day for myself and allow myself to share it with just a small handfull of friends and family that I know care and mean alot. So we all went to the cemetary in the morning and I passed out folders with poems I had written as well as the babys birth announcement for each one there. A friend was nice enough to read the poems I wrote for my baby Vincenzo because I obviously wasn't in the right place to do it.

My mom and sister made some beautiful blue flower arrangements that were added to the headstone with ribbon.So after the poems, there were some beautiful words spoken from a friend and one of the things she said that has touched me so much is....."we haven't and won't forget him ever" and "you are a good mother, you are a mother, look what a wonderful job you did today taking care and thinking of your baby". Just those few words touched me so deeply because we do fear that people don't remember our baby or that they think I'm fine and I' m really dying on the inside.

After passing a box that the hospital gave me with momentos such as Vincenzo's little feet molding, a hat that my mom and sister bought him but was too big so we got to keep it, also...the baby's friend Marvin the Monkey that my sister had bought and he ended up being the exact same size as the baby, so I showed everyone that also.

After that, we went outside and let off 6 baby blue balloons for the 6 months that my baby Vincenzo was with me, it was beautiful and I heard a lot of comments and oooohs and aaaaahs so I think that was a good thing.

We finished the day off with a luncheon at a great restaurant and of course there were well arranged flowers from my mom on the table and we all ate and talked comfortably. One friend bought an awesome Princess cake which is my favorite and that was just the literal "icing on the cake". I can't thank everyone enough for helping me get past that time.

Thinking of my baby

I am getting very close to my due date and I feel as though I am reliving losing my baby all over again. And yet I am thinking of all the things that should have been and could have been. On tuesday, I will go with about 10 friends to the cemetary and release 6 balloons for the 6 months that Vincenzo was with me. I am stressing very much about if and or what I will say there. I really dread this time and finally was able to cry today, I hadn't for a little while because of all the other things that have happened (my husband cheated on me while I was pregnant and I found out a month after I lost the baby). Afterwards, we are going out to a restaurant and my sister is going to buy my favorite type of cake. I am nervous and considering cancelling the whole thing, and yet I know I need it. I wrote a few poems when I was pregnant and had received the diagnoses and was thinking of copying those and giving everyone a copy. I just hope that this brings some closure for me

The Latest

I wish that I had some great and exciting news to publish but right now I don't have anything that is what I would say good news. I am dealing day by day with different issues, new ones. But there comes a point after so much trauma and reality that we forget ourselves. It is not selfish to worry about ourselves, our health (emotional & physical) and that's what I'm doing, I'm exercising as often as I can, going to counseling often, taking my medication for anxiety and depression, and also allowing other people to help when they offer because most people when they say 'let me know if I can do ANYTHING for you", they mean it. So I let them help and am helping myself as well as looking for more work being that I am on my own now.

Saying Goodbye

The few moments I had with him