Thinking of you....again

I am thinking so much of my baby this week more than the usual. The harder I try to make a new normal for myself such as work and other activities the more I feel the sadness and reality hitting me in spare moments during the dare and sometime not even spare moments they just hit and hit hard. Then I get almost obsessive and can't STOP thinking about Vincenzo, my little tiny guy who I wish was here so badly. He should be just a few weeks old right now and I should be taking care of him and instead I am trying to take care of myself which is almost harder than what I had planned on doing with my life. I want a baby so badly and yet I want HIM back and healthy! I'm angry that I don't get to have my baby here and healthy while so many others just plug right along and pop out kids and some people who can't even take care of the kids or don't want them. I wanted him soooooooo badly and feel as though some days I am dying inside more and more.

My due date was supposed to be March 17, 2009

I had been dreading this date for a few months and as it got closer the edgier and angrier I got over it. Thinking of what should have been, how I should have been feeling, how big I should have been, etc. I finally decided that I was going to make a day for myself and allow myself to share it with just a small handfull of friends and family that I know care and mean alot. So we all went to the cemetary in the morning and I passed out folders with poems I had written as well as the babys birth announcement for each one there. A friend was nice enough to read the poems I wrote for my baby Vincenzo because I obviously wasn't in the right place to do it.

My mom and sister made some beautiful blue flower arrangements that were added to the headstone with ribbon.So after the poems, there were some beautiful words spoken from a friend and one of the things she said that has touched me so much is....."we haven't and won't forget him ever" and "you are a good mother, you are a mother, look what a wonderful job you did today taking care and thinking of your baby". Just those few words touched me so deeply because we do fear that people don't remember our baby or that they think I'm fine and I' m really dying on the inside.

After passing a box that the hospital gave me with momentos such as Vincenzo's little feet molding, a hat that my mom and sister bought him but was too big so we got to keep it, also...the baby's friend Marvin the Monkey that my sister had bought and he ended up being the exact same size as the baby, so I showed everyone that also.

After that, we went outside and let off 6 baby blue balloons for the 6 months that my baby Vincenzo was with me, it was beautiful and I heard a lot of comments and oooohs and aaaaahs so I think that was a good thing.

We finished the day off with a luncheon at a great restaurant and of course there were well arranged flowers from my mom on the table and we all ate and talked comfortably. One friend bought an awesome Princess cake which is my favorite and that was just the literal "icing on the cake". I can't thank everyone enough for helping me get past that time.