This week

There are so many phases that we go through in grieving. Sometimes it feels as if we're going crazy or that we just don't fit into this world and that is because losing a child, or losing anyone is not natural. It is not what God wanted, it's just something we have to live with in this cruel world temporarily. But we grieve daily even with hope, because there is a part missing. That is where counseling comes in handy. We went this week for the first time and we will go for a total of 8 weeks, it seems to have helped. But at the same time I feel like it stirred up something inside of me that I didn't realize was there, feelings and issues.

Here Goes...

Vincenzo Paul Juarez-Tedeschi Born Silently November 26, 2008 at 6:22am

Just when we had stopped worrying about the pregnancy after passing the 3 months and then 4, we went to find out the sex of our baby on October 31, 2008 and that was when it all started. The technician didn’t say much and we weren’t too worried, but we asked her twice if she saw the sex and she replied that she wasn’t even looking for that, and that was strange. Then a little while later she had the Doctor and a nurse come in and looked at the ultrasound. We asked the Doctor if everything was okay and he said that they wanted to check the baby’s head and spine. So of course we worried a little bit but not a whole lot until we went to the doctor’s appointment which was just a routine visit right after the ultrasound. That’s when she said that she had found that Vincenzo’s little head wasn’t forming correctly, he had Spina Bifida, Club Foot, 2 vessels in the cord instead of 3. So she sent us to UCSF on November 3, 2008 where they did a Type II ultrasound, did an amniocentesis, and met with a geneticist. About 10 days later they confirmed that our baby had Trisomy 18 and would most likely not survive.

Of course to some doctors they see Trisomy 18 as an immediate termination of pregnancy and sometimes try to push that. But we value life just as our God Jehovah does and we opted to continue as long as our baby did. Little by little we let friends and family know what was going on, it just felt like the biggest hit we had ever had being that Vincenzo was our first baby and we were so excited. Of course we had all of the questions, how far am I going to carry the baby? Will we get to see him alive? If so, how long will he be with us? And that is very hard to deal with, hard to just live everyday life when people are asking you how you are and about the baby.

There are so many emotions and feelings that we had, we got to see our baby that we wanted so badly, and yet say goodbye at the same time. How can a parent do that? We had no choice and only with God’s strength have we survived this sadness. A wonderful nurse named Gudrun came in before I had the baby to talk with us and see if there was anything that we were concerned about ahead of time. She also came after the birth and she was just great, she dressed our baby in the outfit my mom and sister had bought for him, wrapped him in a very nice blanket from our friend, took some very good pictures of him and of us, made a footprint mold as well as a few other momentous. We cherish that box of things she gave us and visit it often. One of our favorite things we have is a little monkey that my sister got us because I had planned on decorating the baby’s room in baby monkey décor, that monkey who’s name is Marvin is almost the EXACT size as Vincenzo was, so when the nurse took pictures she took a few with the two of them together. When we just need to feel close to the baby now we get Marvin out and he helps a little.

We miss our baby daily and mourn the idea of seeing him grow up and just not having him in our arms. But our faith in the bible and its promises for a paradise on earth where we will see our loved ones again in perfect health is what keeps us going (Revelation 21:3,4). Our friends (old and new ones from this site) and family have helped us so much, just a phone call or a visit even if we don’t pick up or see them helps us knowing how much they care. I write poetry and that has helped some. Here is one of my poems that I wrote when I was pregnant.

To My Baby
I found out the other day
That you are a baby boy on the way
The joy I have of knowing
And yet the sadness of how you’re growing
Is just too much to bare my baby
All we could ever want is for you to be happy
But your health is bad
And because of that
You will not come home with us
We will not see you smile
Will you know how much we love you?
How much we wanted you
I’m so sorry that you will not be with us
But one day soon you will be perfect and happy
Until that day, I will miss you

11/5/08
Lacey Juarez